What is your greatest source suffering? Is that question itself painful to answer? If so, you are in luck (yes, luck!) for you have been granted a great gift—a clear signal that there exists something you care deeply about. As David Whyte puts is so eloquently:
The internal living flame of anger [which is a manifestation of suffering like sadness, longing, etc.] always illuminates what we belong to, what we wish to protect and those things for which we are willing to hazard and even imperil ourselves.
Woah…but wait, there’s more:
…anger truly felt at its centre is the essential living flame of being fully alive and fully here; it is a quality to be followed to its source, to be prized, to be tended, and an invitation to finding a way to bring that source fully into the world through making the mind clearer and more generous, the heart more compassionate, and the body larger and strong enough to hold it.
Consolations
Your suffering is a gift. Many struggle to define a good life and how they should spend their time. (This is perhaps particularly difficult for those with little anguish and ample joy, for while the freedom to enjoy a great many things may seem like an obvious blessing, in practice it often results in a debilitating ‘dizziness of freedom’ where one chooses nothing or everything–which has nearly the same efficacy as choosing nothing).
For we who suffer greatly—and suffering is relative so do not feel ashamed that your suffering does not amount to an epic tragedy—it is clear what we ought to do: relieve our suffering and help others do the same. This could be your calling. This could be a key piece of a good life. This could be enough.
There is some science on the happiness that comes from helping others, but we should be careful not to dilute our calling by relying on such abstractions. A calling is something you feel. A calling is something more than a fact. A calling is a truth, experienced firsthand.
It takes a great deal of courage to work with your suffering, so it can be helpful to have some examples of others who have done so for inspiration. A few that resonate with me are:
- Viktor Frankl whose willingness to stay emotionally engaged in life–despite his immense suffering as a prisoner at a concentration camp—led him to discover a way to overcome any hardship
- Mac Miller who transformed his craving for ‘The Answer’ into a celebration of not knowing
- Taylor Swift who tells us how the pain of heartbreak can help us love better next time
- Benjamin Driscoll (from Ray Bradbury’s the Martian Chronicles) who after almost dying because of Mars’ thin oxygen, takes it upon himself to plant trees all over Mars to create more oxygen (yes, this is fiction, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true)
Take a few minutes to make your own list. It does not need to be perfect–you can refine as you go—but it should be deeply personal (and likely as odd to someone else as my list may seem to you). Return to this list when you need inspiration. It is possible to transcend your suffering.
Have you made your list? I’ll wait.
Now that you have that list, let’s make another: write down your 3 greatest sufferings in your life (present or past). Again, using myself as an example:
- In high school I did something controversial, resulting in me losing most of my ‘friends’ and developing an avoidant attachment style
- For college I pursued a degree based on what was ‘safe’ as opposed to fulfilling
- As an adult, I struggle to create and maintain meaningful relationships
Have you made your list? Sorry to nag, but for this exercise it is essential you make an effort to engage with your emotions (instead of reading this and immediately moving on to something else).
Now that you have this list, think of a few ways you could help others avoid the same fate. Maybe you could volunteer to be someone’s Big Brother. Maybe you could start some sort of social group in your community. Maybe you could write a blog post 😊
Finally, and most importantly, commit to trying one of these ideas. Start small—unless you are in a place in life where you want to make a big change—and pay close attention to how it makes you feel.
While it is essential for all to develop a way to endure suffering, there is also the potential for some to transcend and transform that suffering into something beautiful. Perhaps your suffering is the key to your salvation.
Be well.