Contrary to popular advice, there are only three reliable ways to make friends as an adult:
- Enforced proximity:
- Frequent and predictable exposure to someone can allow a friendship to develop gradually through a slow-and-steady accumulation of shared experiences and discovery of common interests, hobbies, humor, etc.
- This is the most common way of making a friend, although it generally becomes less effective the older one gets
- Examples:
- School
- Work
- Roommates
- Kids*
- Having kids:
- Having kids won’t automatically grant you friends the same way getting a dog won’t magically find you a significant other, however, kids will give you the opportunity to:
- See other parents semi-frequently
- Access an instant bond of shared commiseration (and occasional positive emotions)
- Allow you to provide value through babysitting and playdates
- Kids could fall under the 1st or 3rd bucket, but it feels like a distinct thing as the proximity is not enforced nor frequent and you wouldn’t have kids to “provide value”
- Having kids won’t automatically grant you friends the same way getting a dog won’t magically find you a significant other, however, kids will give you the opportunity to:
- Provide value:
- There is natural resistance to developing new friendships as it requires an expenditure of energy and the opportunity cost associated with pursuing a new friendship over something else. For many, there are also elements of fear, depression, etc., that can make friendships seem like a bad thing
- The easiest way to overcome the inherent reluctance of forming new friendships is to provide value to new potential friends. It’s best when the value is immediate, significant, and obvious.
- A few examples:
- Access to a boat, sauna, or pool
- Access to attractive people of the desired sex
- Access to a convenient spot to pregame
- Access to hard-to-get drugs
- Access to networking opportunities
- Access to exclusive social events
- Elevating social status by association
- Listening when others won’t
Is it overly pessimistic to think one must provide value to form friendships? It is certainly disheartening, but I think it’s a realistic view of human nature and mirrors my extensive personal efforts to make friends. It’s not enough to share interests with a stranger, they need a reason to go out of their way to spend time with you. It’s a big jump from being friendly in a run club, book club, or recreational sports to spending quality time together outside of that. Showing up to social events is great, but you need an effective way to make the people you meet there willing to meet you elsewhere.
Of course, friendships can evolve to become more noble, less self-centered affairs, but that takes time. Until then give someone a reason to spend time with you. Buy a boat or have some kids 😉