Owning a dog is a major life decision. While everyone seemingly loves dogs, there is an enormous difference between loving dogs and wanting one of your own; many do not want a dog right now…many do not want one ever.
Even if you think you only want a partner who also wants a dog and wants a dog right now, you should pick out the dog with your partner. It is selfish to make a decision that will substantially impact both your lives for many years without the consent of your partner. Yes, they may want a dog, but what are the odds the dog they want, is the one you chose?
Do not get a dog if you are single
tldr – ioverthinkso
Dating can be hard. Like really hard. And it’s probably getting worse. In fact, Pew Research Center found that 47% of Americans think dating is harder now than it was 10 years ago1.
Dogs are seen by many as a great way to meet people, whether at the dog park (‘which ones yours?’), on a walk (‘omg, he is so cute! May I pet him?”), or being the subject of the opening line for online dating (“who is the good boy??”)
And I agree: dogs can be a great way to meet people. In fact, there is some research to back this up, although the quality of the research is extremely suspect (one of the research projects could be summarized as ‘dog lovers ask other dog lovers if they love dogs’)23
However, meeting people is not necessarily the most challenging aspect of dating (although this can be a serious problem). For many the hardest part of dating is getting to know someone and helping them get to know you.
The vast (and overwhelming) multitude of articles, books, podcasts, etc. offering dating advice serves as a barometer for both how important and how complex dating is. The fact that much of the advice is conflicting only reinforces this notion. While dating advice can be helpful, especially in identifying pitfalls to avoid (stop talking about your ex!), dating experts often take for granted the most fundamental component of dating: time.
You have to spend time with a potential partner and that time has to be of high quality (not hanging out in a group setting or watching a 3-hour movie together in the silence of a movie theater).
And dogs decrease the quantity and quality of time spent with others–dogs make it more difficult to get to know people.
That may be tough to hear, but that discomfort should pique your curiosity. Is that statement just ‘tough’ or does it contain any love as well? Tough love is a rare and precious type of wisdom that we must not shy away from if we are truly committed to being the best we can be. Please reserve your judgement until the end.
Before we begin, I should state the obvious: if you already have a dog, this article is not for you. This article is for those considering whether they should adopt a dog. Of course, you can have a dog and still date successfully, however, it may increase the difficulty so you should be aware of this before adopting a dog.
Okay, with that out of the way let’s start by breaking down my two claims a bit:
Claim #1: Dogs decrease your flexibility
Example 1: a real made-up conversation
“I had a really nice time tonight…what do you say to one more drink?”
“I’d love to! but I really have to let my dog out…”
If you have a dog or know anyone with a dog, then you’ve probably experienced something similar. Ending the night prematurely may not seem like a big deal—after all a good first date usually leads to a second date and it’s impossible say what would have happened with one more drink.
But we can imagine! Maybe during an extra hour together, two people are able to connect in a way that catapults their love over the walls they’ve built up.
Maybe they scale those same walls on the next date or a few dates later.
But maybe they never do. Timing is critical. Some opportunities only happen once. Next time the other person may be in a bad mood (perhaps drama at work) and the warm acceptance of the first date is replaced with cold cynicism. It’s not fair (you are the same two people after all), but humans are moody creatures. It’s not hard to think of times when you said ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to something you otherwise would not have (like agreeing to ‘talk’ to your ex whilst under the influence of the holiday spirit).
Also, perhaps that one extra drink gets the other person tipsy enough to reveal their bigoted beliefs and saves you the time (and frustration) of realizing this a few dates later.
Example 2: another real made-up conversation
“My friend offered me tickets to the concert tonight. Wanna go?”
“I’d love to! but I can’t leave my dog that long and I don’t have a sitter.”
Being responsible for a dog restricts your ability to be spontaneous. Sure, you can probably swing a last-minute invite to a party (as long as you leave early), but there is a lot you cannot do. No all-day tailgates, road trips, or lazy mornings that stretch into lazy afternoons.
Again, it may be alright to miss out on a few spontaneous opportunities, but then again, it may not.
Example 3: the last real made-up conversation
“Hey! We are all headed to Garage Bar’s patio to have some beers. Wanna come?”
“Sounds great! Do you know if they are dog friendly?”
“Nah, I don’t think so…”
“Ahh okay, maybe next time. My dog-o has been inside all day”
In my previous examples I was assuming the dog owner had healthy boundaries established between herself and her dog. Not all people are like that. I know many dog owners who put their dog’s needs before their own and while this selflessness may be noble, it also makes finding a time and place to hangout difficult.
Less time in a day
After taking into account sleep, work, cooking, cleaning, and commuting there isn’t a ton of time left in the day. There is even less energy left to make good use of that time. Adding another hour or so of ‘dog duties’ to your daily routine means less time for passion projects, working out, and leisure.
I’ve known several people who had their health decline after getting a dog because they struggle to find the time and energy to go for a long walk and then workout (and to be clear you need to do more than walk to be in shape).
Less flexibility visualized
For those who are more visually inclined, this is another way to think about the relationship between owning a dog and spending time with others:
Claim #2: Dogs decrease your quality of time
Bad Romance
Okay, now you’re probably thinking this writer ‘hates dogs’ and is a ‘big stupid idiot’ for saying a dog could possibly make any activity worse.
And I wouldn’t blame you! Dogs are generally pretty awesome companions that can make coming home from work, taking a walk, or watching TV much more enjoyable.
However, there is at least one thing dogs definitely do not make better: romance.
Ever try to ‘make a move’ with the dog watching and/or laying on your lap? Not impossible, but a dog is definitely not an aphrodisiac. Making a move is already awkward enough (hence the euphemism), and that’s if the dog is just watching. If the dog is territorial, then you have to go through the ordeal of locking it in another room and turning up the music to drown out its incessant barking while you make out. Of course, it’s a given that the dog will be around for late night romance because a dog-owner is not going to leave their dog alone for the night, so you better be okay with one-sided sleepovers or hosting a dog at your place.
Poor Contemplation
Furthermore, some of the activities dogs supposedly make better can actually be worsened by their presence.
Walks can be a wonderful opportunity for deep contemplation, finding inspiration, or simple relaxation, and dogs can give someone a reason to walk more than they normally would. However, the second the dog pulls on its leash, stops to poop, barks at a squirrel, etc. your train of thought is interrupted and perhaps lost forever. Certainly not all lost thoughts are a tragedy (the vast majority probably aren’t), but some are. It reminds me of Kafka when he laments “Just think how many thoughts a blanket smothers while one lies alone in bed…” (in this case the dog is the blanket).
Relaxing at home with a dog is major appeal of having a dog and while the contentment of cuddling with a dog on the couch is undeniable, you must also recognize a lot of formerly peaceful time is now prone to interruption–by a dog barking at a squirrel, whining for attention, or something as innocuous as a sigh.
Even if a dog is doing nothing, they remain a tempting distraction from what you ought to be focused on and it takes constant discipline to not let them monopolize your time and hinder your personal growth. Reducing distractions is critical for creatives who require deep, sustained focus. Learning to be alone is imperative for anyone who wants to develop a deeper and more resilient sense of well-being.
I admit all these issues can be surmountable (are you really going to train your dog though?) or simply accepted, but the fact remains: you are going to spend a lot of your time, energy, and attention on a dog (instead of your partner and other passions). Much of your thinking will revolve around reoccurring questions of “should I take the dog for a walk?”, “when was the last time the dog pooped?”, and “how are they are feeling?” Maybe your partner is cool with that, but if not, the attention required by the dog can easily become a source of resentment (“what about my needs?!”)
How many people want a dog?
Hopefully I’ve convinced you that having a dog can have real downsides, especially while dating.
Now, you could read all this and think ‘well I don’t want someone who doesn’t want a dog and the lifestyle that comes with it’ and while that may seem like a perfectly reasonable response, you are asking for much more than you realize.
Firstly, you probably aren’t aware just how many people do not want to own a dog. It’s understandable to assume that virtually everyone wants a dog based on how dogs are treated in public. However, the seemingly universal adoration of dogs does not translate into ownership–only 38%-48% of Americans own a dog4. This highlights the subtle, but crucial difference between liking dogs in general and wanting to own one yourself.
By making owning a dog a requirement you are eliminating roughly half the population from your dating pool!
How many people want your dog?
Secondly, what you are actually saying when you are dating with a dog is “I want someone who wants my dog, right now”. There will be people who want a dog, but later in life. There will also be people who want a dog right now, but not your dog–your dog may be great, but who wouldn’t want to have some say in whose shit they pick up for the next 10 years?!
That’s asking a lot of someone.
Also you must keep in mind that everyone is trying to ‘date up’, to land someone they perceive as ‘out of their league’5. If a person is truly out of your league, then they will have options. If they don’t want your dog, right now, then why should they choose you over someone else?
That’s asking a lot of someone who has other options.
At the end of the day, attracting the best possible partner is infinitely more important than having a dog to love and keep you company. Don’t miss out on a partner because of a pet.
Fall in love, then get the dog.
A few alternatives
Now just because getting a dog may be a bad idea (for now), doesn’t mean you can’t get your pet fix in other ways. Volunteer at the humane society, foster a dog, walk dogs for money, dog sit, hangout with a friend’s dog, or my personal favorite: get a cat 😊