One day, while I was biking, I got hit by a car and one of my first clear thoughts–after the adrenaline and shock subsided–was:
“man, FUCK this depression!”
Obviously I was frustrated, yet I was also grateful to have such a clear and compelling signal to shake off my complacency and face my depression head-on. Wondering what is the connection between depression and getting hit by a car? Let me explain!
You see, depression clouds cognition. It changes how you perceive the world and generally in maladaptive ways. Unfortunately the human condition strives to hide this truth from us. It is very common for people to forget for long periods of time that they are depressed or never realize it at all. That’s why epiphanies and moments of clarity like I had are so valuable, for how can we expect to go forward if we do not see clearly?
In the moments after the accident, my mind made the connection between depression’s influence on risk-reward cognition and my decision to cross the road even though the pedestrian crosswalk signal did not say it was safe to cross. Depression generally makes things appear less rewarding and less risky. I wondered if the low value I placed on being alive decreased the salience of life-ending risks. I did not have a death-wish, but did I not give enough of a shit whether I lived?
Such a transgression felt sacrilegious. Depression was something that made me sad and I had accepted my bitter fate, but apparently my depression was not satisfied with co-existence. It wanted me dead. Now it was personal. Only one of us could prevail and the stakes could not be higher.
This feeling was immensely motivating; I finally had a worthy cause and a clear opponent. Yet as the days rolled on, I could not help but doubt the validity of my conclusions. Depressives are doubters by nature and my background in Buddhism has also made me skeptical of thoughts. As humans we assign meaning to experience and often the meanings we choose appear arbitrary and to our detriment. For example, we constantly believe others think about us more than we do about them, or that someone’s reaction has more to do with our action than their years of learned behaviors.
Anyways, I could not stop weakening the resolve of my epiphany by wondering whether depression was truly to blame for my misfortune or was it any of the other dozen plausible explanations I could think of? Too many of us, especially those who prize our intellect (myself included)–get immobilized in such a sea of doubt, but here I think I can provide some real value to others.
The answers to questions about self and experience are unknowable. You may be satisfied with an answer–and that’s great!–but if you’re being honest with yourself, you can never truly know for sure. A true answer contains an unfathomable amount of interrelated factors, which even if you could understand them all, you would find dissatisfying.
The key to living well is skillfully choosing which stories you believe about yourself and the world. It is not about finding the truth (although in general it is probably best if the stories you believe don’t diverge too far from reality and truth can provide new opportunities to live well). Like epiphanies, stories can change our perception of reality, however, stories are far more stable foundations to build up on for lasting impact.
In my case, I came to accept that the story about depression causing my accident may be untrue, but I also recognized the emotional power of such a traumatic story and the positive change it would inspire. A wise man cares only for what is helpful and not helpful. Only a fool throws away a good thing.
So I invite you to examine the stories you tell yourself and recommend a few tools to do so. Certain types of mindfulness are excellent ways to notice how stories influence our moment-to-moment experience and identify stories that often fall below our radar. Another powerful tool is journaling; take 30 minutes to write the “story of your life”. Write it how you actually see it and then you can think about ways to alter it after. One way to help alter it is by the practice of affirmations. Make a daily habit of verbally stating how you want to be in the world.
Change your stories, change your life! Be well 🙂