30 learnings from 30 years of living
I wrote about the motivation behind ’30 learnings from 30 years of living’ in a previous post on love so I won’t repeat it here, but I encourage you to check out that post if you’re a person who craves context or if you enjoy this post on friendship!
Intro
I did not think much on friendship when I was young. I don’t think many do. Perhaps because friendship is generally abundant during adolescence and the human mind tends to focus on scarcity more than surplus. I also wonder how much thinking of this sort occurs at all during childhood but I digress.
Regardless, as one ages and strikes out on their own–and leaves behind the social bonds of school, sports, and family–it becomes harder to not only make new friendships, but maintain old ones. This has been the resounding experience of myself and others I talk to. It seems to be an alarming trend with Americans in general:
This deficit of friendship has made its value much more apparent and it’s lack much more painful. It seems to me that most deal with this suffering by accepting a life revolving around work, family, and comfort.
There is nobility in this, but it seems to me a life without friendship is not a good life.
In addition to numerous virtues fostered by friendship, such as joy, compassion, and tolerance, friendship is one of the most powerful forces for growth. Books, podcasts, and of course personal experience play a role, but some lessons are easier to learn when the teacher is a friend. In particular, friends are indispensable in providing tough love and compassionately bringing to light the lies (truths?) that are hidden from our conscious mind.
People have different values, but no matter who you are, friendships are worth fighting for. And over the last few years, I’ve learned how to fight more skillfully for my friendships (and when not to fight at all). I hope these lessons are of help to those struggling to maintain friendships and those who had given up on friendship entirely.
6 Lessons concerning friendship
1. Careful who you surround yourself with
The character of your friends matters. It’s obvious that a toxic friendship is to be avoided, but it’s not enough to avoid the bad, you must also actively pursue the good. Not bad is not good.
This is largely because who you are is hugely influenced by the people around you. We are deeply and immutably social, interconnected creatures. There has been much said on this from ‘you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with’ to ‘[the people you habitually associate with] determine as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life’.
These aren’t necessarily the most scientific rigorous studies (in fact, despite the popularity of these statements, I can’t find any links to a supporting study) but it’s okay because the gist of these declarations is what matters and the gist is overwhelmingly intuitive. To see this for yourself, all you have to do is reflect on how you feel before, during, and after spending time with specific individuals. The most obvious examples are how you feel around people you dislike, but it’s also beneficial to reflect on how you feel around people you admire, people from your past, people you want to impress, etc. I think you’ll find that cynical friends tend to darken your world, idealists brighten your sense of hope, and old friends inspire you to do some truly stupid shit.
And mood is just one reason to choose your friends carefully. In the long-run, friendships can greatly improve your life in more subtle ways. Friends introduce you to other friends and potential lovers, friends expose you to new activities and ideas, and friends can even sometimes help you land your dream job.
By now I’ve hopefully convinced you of the need to reexamine and reinvest in friendships, however, how exactly does one evaluate a friendship?
There are two critical questions to ask to determine whether you are surrounding yourself with the ‘right’ people:
1) what do you want?
2) are the individuals you spend time with supportive or inhibitory of what you want?
The second question should be relatively easy to answer, but it depends on the answer to the first question, which can be a challenging, time-consuming, and constantly evolving answer. That said, it’s not impossible to answer, or at least have a pretty good guess.
The answer to ‘what do you want?’ should be deep, fundamental, relatively long-lasting goals or values. Some solid examples of answers to ‘what do you want’ / ‘life purpose’ are ‘I write stories to provide a voice to those who would otherwise be unheard’, ‘I transform medical knowledge into practical wisdom and distill it for public consumption’, or ‘I want to decrease suffering from Parkinson’s through scientific research’. There is an art to how specific a statement should be—too specific and you close yourself off to beneficial tangents, too broad and you risk the ineffective dizziness of freedom—but in general the more specific the better.
With a sense of what you want out of life, you can begin to skillfully evaluate friendships according to whether they are helpful or harmful of your goals.
However, there are two common pitfalls of this analysis you should be aware of. First, there can be a natural tendency to favor new—or even prospective—friends over old ones. The strength of this tendency is directly proportional to how much you have and/or want to change. Second, there is another natural tendency to evaluate friendships too narrowly.
The value of a long-standing friend should not be underestimated. Old friends have the perspective and trust that comes from shared history to point out how you’ve changed. This can not only safeguard you against unwanted changes, but also help you more fully recognize and own positive changes. The indirect benefits of a friendship should also be recognized. It’s okay if a friend does not directly contribute to your goal; if instead they ‘just’ put you in a good mood, that is ultimately supportive of your goals and should not be discounted.
That said, my assertion remains: do not waste your precious time or fleeting energy on friendships solely out of a sense of duty. Duty can be a beautiful virtue, but, like most things, when taken to an extreme it becomes a vice. And while duty without suffering is not true duty, and friendship without suffering just needs more time, there is a limit on how much suffering is incurred before virtue becomes vice. Perhaps it is noble to set aside your happiness or even your life for the happiness of another, but is that actually the trade you are making? Too often we suffer simply not to disturb the fragile comfort of another. Sometimes our suffering actually just causes more suffering. What type of friend is willing to accept such a sacrifice?
I do not have the answer. You must decide what is right for you. If you don’t think, and instead adopt the cheap all-or-none belief that friendship should be unconditional, you will likely suffer needlessly. And while the terrible calculus of evaluating a friendship should not be undertaken lightly (or frequently), an unexamined life is not worth living.
2. Friendships require (unequal) effort
Speaking of the unexamined, equality is a value so deeply rooted value in western culture that its righteousness is almost always presumed. This is a problem not only because of the widespread confusion over what equality even means, but more fundamentally because equality—especially ‘perfect’ equality–is not always desirable. In terms of game theory, it is not a dominant strategy at the individual or collective level. While equality is a great rule of thumb, not recognizing it as such—and ignorantly demanding it in all situations—can lead to needless suffering.
Economists tell us that perfect equality is not desirable for growth, Scientists tell us that relations between creatures are anything but equal, philosophers such as John Rawls show that even a veil of ignorance does not produce perfect equality (of outcomes), but artists have most successfully conveyed the horrors of perfect equality in works like ‘The Giver’ or ‘Harrison Bergeron’. Thankfully, these instances of perfect equality are hypothetical and extremist, but that’s the point. Perfect equality is extremist just as blind obedience to equality is extremist. It is perhaps an uncomfortable truth–but a truth nonetheless–that the optimal society has some degree of inequality.
That said, determining the optimal degree of inequality and the appropriate policies to promote it is highly complex and subjective. Because the general public struggles with complexity and nuance, public policy often has to be simplified to this-or-that and we (rightly) choose to advocate for equality over inequality.
However, I am not discussing public policy that is largely out of your control, I am discussing your personal life where you have the opportunity to exercise your own judgement. This is when it is important to remember that equality is an ends to a means, namely contentment / well-being / eudaimonia. If more equality leads to greater contentment in your life, pursue it. If more equality leads to less contentment, consider dropping the pursuit. There are likely diminishing—and sometimes negative—returns to equality, but what’s most important is that you are judging the usefulness of equality based on your personal experience (and not a general prescription).
Now you may be wondering how any of this relates to friendship? Well, stop demanding equality for equality’s sake. If inequality isn’t actually damaging your friendship, then don’t get hung up on who reaches out first, who is more generous, etc. If you are satisfied with some degree of inequality, don’t make yourself dissatisfied by chasing equality. Also, think more broadly about relationships; you (hopefully) love your parents despite a vastly inequal power balance and you (hopefully) landed a romantic partner who is out of your league through inequal (initial) effort.
Of course, if the inequality genuinely makes you unhappy, then it’s perfectly okay to advocate for what you want and potentially abandon the relationship if you can’t get it.
The most important aspect of this lesson, like the one before, is to think for yourself.
3. There are many types of friendship
I’ve been working on a poem of sorts on this topic for over a year and thankfully this post forced me to finish it (or at least put some words on paper):
Some friends keep their distance, but the phone calls are always so intimate.
Some friends fail to keep in touch, but things always pick up right where we left off.
Some friends you have to hide, but when alone together it’s a good time.
Some friends only hang when convenient, but will be there when you need them.
Friendship comes in a variety of forms and just as every individual is unique, so is every friendship. Not all forms of friendships may suit you, but don’t dismiss it simply because it does not fit your expectations. Be open to evaluating something as it is instead of how it ought to be.
So stop trying to make your friends be your everything or even multiple things. Let them (and you) be. Friendships can crumple under the weight of expectations. If it evolves to be more, great. If not, also great.
4. Try twice (to make new friends)
This lesson is rooted in a combination of human psychology and practicality.
When someone brushes off an invitation to hang, there is a significant chance it has nothing to do with you–i.e, it does not mean they don’t like you. People are busy and possibly overwhelmed. Forming a friendship can seem exhausting, especially at a certain age.
Also, in terms of practicality, you don’t really have the luxury of only giving people one chance. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but there aren’t that many you can swim with (ya dig?). You will quickly run out of people if everyone only gets on chance.
So when trying to form a friendship, try at least twice to initiate a hang.
5. Encouragement is (almost always) the best policy
This is a policy that applies to more than just friendships, but friendships can be a significant source of motivation.
When your friend is pursuing something you believe in, encourage them.
When your friend is pursuing what you’d consider a bad idea, encourage them, or at the very least don’t discourage them.
This lesson is dear to my heart because my father auditioned for the role of the ‘sensible man’ in my life. To his credit, I think he did this from a good place and I don’t think he even knew that he was auditioning (or didn’t get the part). That part was (and still is) played by countless others.
Our society is overwhelmingly inhospitable to new ideas, especially if they aren’t practical (i.e. result in excessive profit) or fall outside of established norms. There is some wisdom in favoring stability over change, however, many ideas fail not because they are considered too destabilizing, but rather because they are not truly considered at all and thus are eventually abandoned. The tragedy of this (in addition to breeding resentment) is that it takes so little to nurture an idea, often the encouragement–or even simply acknowledgement–of a single person is enough.
So I say, if a dream has to die, let it die by the hands of the dreamer. The value of failure and learning things for yourself cannot be overstated. Doing things solely based on what others think is at odds with living a good life.
6. Don’t talk about work outside of work
As some people get older, they increasingly talk about work outside of work. This is both fascinating, sad, and unpleasant.
This is fascinating because many of my friends would not discuss work (or the other mundane ways they spent their time) when we were younger. There was an unwritten but relatively firm rule that communication would be about shared interests–which can be quite broad and includes things such as emotional well-being, silliness, and stimulating ideas–and never about boring things like the names of your boss’s kids and work drama. For whatever reason, this ironclad rule of youth seems to bend with age.
This is sad because I suspect the reason people talk so much about work now is because their identity is so deeply intertwined with their work. It’s not necessarily that they have nothing else to talk about—although they probably have less hobbies/interests than before, it’s fundamentally that work is first and foremost in their mind, even in the presence of a friend…This is more forgivable in the case where someone truly loves their work, but in my experience, this occurs just as frequently in people who hate their jobs. They hate their jobs and effectively never clock out.
This is unpleasant regardless of how someone feels about their work. There are limits to how much someone wants to hear about something that they have no interest in, and the limit is quite short. Friends do care how work makes you feel, but you’re delusional to think they care about the specific things your boss said and the detailed history of events leading up to this.
So please, please, please make it your policy to only talk about work when someone asks about it. And even then, keep your answers relatively succinct. ‘How’s work?’ is not an invitation to being a 10-minute monologue, try ‘work’s fine’ and see if they ask for more details. Your friends are willing to lend an ear, but it is rude to stretch that ear to it’s breaking point.